For over five years I suffered from debilitating anxiety. After leaving the doctors office after my first panic attack with a prescription in hand and a pat on the back, I decided I would not let the Anxiety define my life. I was determined to find a way to end the fear and panic.
I can remember the night my anxiety started. I was riding in the car with my family late one evening & briefly closed my eyes on the ride home. A thought came into my mind that I would not live forever, and I had no idea when it would all end. Seems like a simple thought that most people have had, however it invoked pure panic in me. I soon was consumed with my mortality. Little did I know that my world was about to swallow me up.
Slowly, I grew more agitated, withdrawn, and moody. On the night of April 21, 2004 I woke up from a sound sleep after my heart felt like it had been pulled across the room and snapped back. I truly thought I was having a heart attack and this was the end. I quickly grew hot, the back of my neck tensed up and my arms and legs felt numb. I walked into my office and I could hardly breathe, my vision was off and seemed like I was in another place. My husband told me he thought I was having a panic attack and gave me a glass of water. My hands and legs began to shake. Looking back I am surprised I didn’t go to the hospital, but I think I was so afraid to find out what was really wrong with me. After an hour all symptoms were gone, but that is the night I became afraid of bedtime. Insomnia was the next addition to my growing situation.
The panic attacks grew more frequent and the insomnia was lingering. As evening came, I found myself looking for anything to preoccupy my mind. Soon I began looking for triggers that I thought were causing my attacks. I had been to the doctor, received a though check-up. Then I was referred to a cardiologist for a heart evaluation full of heart monitor and ultrasound. Funny how anxiety makes you doubt your doctors. I was convinced that they had missed something. I became a hypochondriac. My dear friend is a nurse, I have sent all kinds of articles and questions to her to see if I have some deadly disease. I was sure I had them all. I also became very afraid of medication. Even asprin made me nervous. But, had I not been so scared there were a few times I would have taken the medication. I was just convinced that all the side effects would happen to me.
In an effort to find peace I quit my job, repainted my bedroom, changed my routine, went back to work, changed the type of clothing I wore, gave up sugar, gave up artificial sweeteners, caffeine, the nightly news, the newspaper, movies, and television. I don’t even want to mention how many nutrition books, anxiety books and religious books I purchased. I made a decision from the start that it happened for a reason and I would find the answer.
I have a trunk full of stories that I quietly keep inside. No one ever understood. Everyone just had their version. Compassion was not something I ever ran across. You are just crazy were the looks that I received. I didn’t want it to define me, but it had.
I want to be that shoulder that I so desperately needed in the middle of the night, when no one was there to listen. I am anxiety and depression free & I want to share with you how I did it.
I want to take this journey with you laughter, tears and all.
I look forward to the day when you are a Hatched Egg too!
Wishing you all the best,