The Hardest Part
This last Sunday I was in a Bible Study and the leader of the class knows my story of anxiety very well. I don’t even recall how the topic came up but she shared with the class my struggle and how I now share my story with others. At the end of the class an older gentleman came over to my chair and said he wanted to shake my hand. He said he knew of how hard the fight was from the “Malignant Anxiety” he had fought the same fight over 40 years ago. Now anxiety free himself I asked him what was the hardest part of his journey. His reply kind of made me step back. He said it was that he felt so alone though it, his friends and family never understood. They didn’t get why he couldn’t be “happy”. Sound familiar? For so many of us we feel as if we are the only ones who feel left wondering if we are crazy? Why can’t we just feel happy?
I always felt I worried a little more than most people. I did a pretty good job of hiding it. Rerouting plans so that I didn’t have to face fears. Well that was all until the Panic Monsterarrived on my doorstep.
I had never met anyone with anxiety much less panic. It felt like a freight train had hit me the night of my first attack. It all started with heart palpations that quickly escalated into the worst panic attack I ever had. That was the night my life would change forever.
That first night my husband seemed to know what it was and tried to calm me a little and then off to bed he went. This is a guy who has never really feared anything in his life. I guess we compliment each other well. However I didn’t sleep a wink the entire night I was scared out of my wits. As the anxiety and panic grew I think his patience became shorter. Why couldn’t I be happy? “Just relax” was the answer I got from many. Why didn’t they know the Hell that was going on in my body. Even though he is a wonderful guy this is how he handled my anxiety and panic attacks. “You’ll be fine – relax! Good Night!” I have to be honest many nights I was terrified the panic would kill me and he would find me dead on the floor. I know I am not the only one who has had that vision. The Panic Monster is Good!
Feeling so alone and afraid of the meds my doctor just tossed my way – I knew I couldn’t live this way anymore. The more I talked to friends about it the more I realized they didn’t have a clue. I looked much better on the outside than I did on the inside. I was a total mess. I did find a couple of friends who would always take my call during a panic attack and do nothing but distract me from my own body and remind me I was fine.
Not feeling like I was justified in having the anxiety the last thing I wanted to do was spend my money at a therapist or on an expensive anxiety system that would put a dent in the budget. I knew if anyone was going to save me it had to be me. That’s why this site is so special to me. I knew that if I ever found a way out I was going to stand on my roof and tell everyone I could about it. What better way than the internet? Little did I know what amazing things I was opening up there. A place where I could feel like the friend, the reasonable voice that I needed so badly.
Think of yourself as you are in your little egg. All protected and waiting for that magical event. Your friends and family love you, they just don’t have a clue how this is all encompassing. It’s not about relaxing, we don’t know how. Our bodies are beaten and our minds are tired. We don’t have the words to give them on how to help us. We don’t know what to begin with. If we knew we would be out.
Don’t withdraw from life, but pull that shell up a little bit, join in our Healing Journey and make this the most amazing time of your life. When they ask what they can do just tell them “Just be a friend and tell me I’ll be Ok”. Sometime that’s all we need. You have community here that will lift you up anytime and someday you will find someone that has that look in their eyes that you do. You’ll know just what to say.
I am here to share every detail of my story and let you know it’s ok. I have a big light and I am waiting to celebrate with you at the end of this long dark tunnel. Make a list and place yourself at the top. This is the time of your life when it needs to be all about you.
Remember….They love you & sometimes they say the wrong things – they just have no idea & are stumbling for ways to help. Don’t fault them for that.
Faith my friend, dig deep. See yourself getting through this.
With lots of love from a friend who has been there and is here!
Wishing you all the best,